Online Dater Extraordinaire
But I also wanted to take a moment to break it down and talk a little about instinct. I am usually pretty good about following my instincts. When I am walking alone to my car I always keep my car key poking out between my figures in order to stab someone should they come up on me…although I am never really sure how much of an impact my two inch key will make…actually one inch is you include my chubby fingers. When I sense the rumble in the jungle I always heed the call and head straight for the bathroom. When there is a question over whether the hot guy at the bar is gay or not, I am called in to settle the dispute…why? Because my instincts are kick-ass. But when one is on-line dating, how much should one trust their instincts without letting their fears get the best of them. I recently had a conversation with a friend who felt that perhaps I didn’t have my whole heart into dating…maybe I was a bit scared. So how much of my instinct to say no to someone is based on gut and how much on the question of whether I am just plain chicken? Are my instincts to easily called into defense mode because I am looking for reasons not to date people? Let me start by stating that there are a few words or catch phrases that send my instinct into defense mode for good reason, such as:
1. NASCAR,
2. “I enjoy deer hunting” (aka if I am any good you will have a deer carcass draining from a tree in our front yard),
3. Dungeons & Dragons,
4. allergies to cats,
5. “I hope you like my kids”
6. Favorite Author: Ann Coulter
7. “I’ve quit drinking”
8. StarTrek (it is NOT ok)
9. Vegetarians/Vegans
10. “I like you but I love Jesus”
And as we all know from previous columns: 11. “I don’t really vote”
These things are all red-flags that my instincts are pretty in-tune with. But then we travel in to murkier waters. For example, how much can you tell about a person from their photos? Men who take photos of themselves posing next to their cars are OUT--not even a chance. I don’t care if they have gold streaming from their nipples--there is no way! But beyond that it gets a little trickery. I mean how much can you tell about a person from their face. Some of these guys I look at and think: no way, no attraction, auf Wiedersehen, you are out. But if they are not bad at first glance I am willing to keep them on the line. I mean I know that I don’t always look good in photos so I try to give everyone a chance. God knows that most people who look at my photos are going think, "Here is a hot chick with a great rack who drinks too much," but there is so much more to me…at least I think. Needless to say, besides the extra creepy looking guys, I don’t think pictures are a good measure of whether to date a person or not.
Then we get to the questions. We all know that the answers that people give to these probing questions are an accurate reflection of their innermost feelings and desires. But how much do the questions a person ask say about their personality? I like to think my questions are fairly basic: what’s on your iPod; what do you do in your down-time; what’s your favorite meal? The basics. And on the whole the questions I have received are pretty basic: d o you like pets; what is the most adventuresome thing you've done in the past year; why are you on-line dating? Then the other day I got this question: "How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles (i.e. woman who will cook, shop and keep house and men who maintains the cars, manages the finances, and is handy around the house)? "
Ummmmm yeah... At first glance this question sent the instinct bell a ringin'. Is this guy asking me--a women with a great job and her own home (which he already knew)--what gender roles mean to me? Are we still using “gender roles” in today society? My reaction? Run for the hills. But then that thought in the back of my mind speaks- are you really that freaked by the question or are you just finding a reason to let this guy off the line? What if it is an innocent question? Then there is this one from another suitor: "What is your current emotional health at the moment? "
Well, if it were total crap then I certainly would not admit it. I don’t know much, but I know that is one way NOT to get a guy. So what am I suppose to say? That I am a stalker who has 50 cats and walks the mall at night for exercise? But let’s be serious…I AM INTERNET DATIN--WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK MY EMOTIONAL STATE IS AT THE MOMENT?! Asking questions like this only make me think of what their current emotional state is right now? RED FLAG--or again am I being too harsh?
See friends: what I am trying to say is that this internet dating can be a lot harder than you think. There is a fine line between being picky and being just plain smart. So please let me know your thoughts and know that I am doing my best to listen to my instincts and trying not to let my fear get the best of me.
Oh, and now that I have wet your whistle, get ready: I have my first date of the New Year next week and then two the week after that--and somewhere in there I am going to turn 30!