First he tells the bartender that he will "have what I am having." For some reason this irked me because he didn't know what I was having. I could be having battery acid for all he knows—it could have been a virgin drinks for all he knows!!!! Am I right? (Of course I am right.) For some reason I feel that is not something you do on a first date. I know some of you will take issue with this, but it just felt weird. So the conversation starts. Get ready for a real battle of the minds! Here are some conversational highlights. First he asked me about the kind of guys I generally date. He literally said "So tell me what kind of guys you usually date because I have a pretty good idea and I want to see if I am right." Ummm ya. First, I will be the one with pre-conceived notions here—and what is this "I want to see if I am right"? Well, I was not going to let this one slide. All I said was that I could assure him that the only thing the people I date have in common is that they are all male. I have never dated a women, but on a date like this you give it serious consideration. His response to my vague answer: "Well, I was sure you dated those yuppie political types that are always on the Hill,” which I heard as "you are one of those yuppie political types that are always on the Hill." It turns out I am a yuppie. Even on a congressional staffers salary, I am a yuppie...NICE! Kids, don't believe what they say—dreams do come true.
I was not giving way on the whole conversation about past relationships, so he starts telling me about his last relationship. He lived with her for a year and then decided not to marry her. WHO THE HELL SAYS THESE THINGS ON A FIRST DATE?! At this point, martini one is done and I have signaled to the bartended for the next round. (Side bar: I actually know the bartender from when he worked over at Old Ebbitt AND he is my neighbor.) So as I begin to slip into the safety that is drink number duo I hear this: "Since you are a Democrat, who do you think is going to win the next election?" Okay general election, primary, school board, dog catcher—what the hell kind of question is that? I take a stab that he means Presidential, so I roll with it. I do my best to do my diplomatic spin on every candidate's high/low points. We begin to talk about Hilary—I note that regardless of personality she has a huge amount of experience which would be paramount in any other industry, to which he points out that she is 'a woman.' Yes, that was his contribution to the topic: the obvious. Next he will be telling me that Obama is black! I smile and continue to sip my little lovely drink.
Then he turns to me and says- and this is verbatim because I will never forget this: "Actually, I don't really vote." Okay so you don't 'really' vote or you just simply don't vote. HE DOES NOT VOTE! He made me go through my entire middle-of-the-road spiel and the guy does not even vote. I am blown away—and so is the second drink. What adult male does not vote? This is the city of politics. The head of government for the land of the free and the home of the brave. If my life was a television show, this is where the voice-over would come in with WHAT THE F***. The situation is tense. I look at the bartender, he looks at me. And then ladies and gentleman--the coup de' grace... #1 looks at me and in all seriousness says, "Is it me or are these drinks strong?" AHHHHH! God, please delivery me from evil! What have I done to deserve this? Of course the drink is strong—it is a dirty martini with grey goose and three olives. In fact, because the bartender is a peep, he probably made an effort to make them strong. But really, the only point of a martini is to look smart while drinking straight alcohol. If the guy wanted a Shirley Temple he should have ordered one. See this is the problem with the 'I will have what she is having' bull. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. If my life had Foley Guys* you would have heard the sound of building crashing! As if I needed another reason to know this would never work, I just received it. I begin to wonder what Winnie the Cat is up to at home...I bet she is having a better time than I am!
So now it is time to come up with an exit strategy... Umm, I am sorry, what was that? You want to order food? I take a quick moment to think…looking down I don't think he will buy the excuse that I don't eat. Since I am driving, I need to eat something and I can't drink anymore—must I be thwarted at every curve! Then it comes to me: oysters—I will order oysters! They are fast, easy, and you don't need to wait for them to be cooked. I am a genius. He orders a burger really well done...great, this is going to take forever. In the time it took him to get his food he observed that I was a lot more "prissy" that he thought I was going to be. Was I always this prim and proper with people I just met?? Umm, YES! Am I always this prim and proper?? Umm, NO! Well, then maybe I should try being more myself. This guy actually was giving me advice on how to be more myself on a date with him. He wanted me to use more curse words when I talked. WTF? Now I am a devotee of the foul-mouth, but not when I first meet a person. This guy was getting more whack by the minute. Next he asks me more about my travels. FINALLY a topic I can get behind so I begin to tell him about all of the cool places I have been thanks to kick-ass parents. Then he says to me: "You don't look like a well traveled person"!? What!?!? I don't get it!?!? What does a well-traveled person look like?!??!??! Did he expect me to show up with a giant North Face pack covered in dirty patched with tons of carabineers and Nalgeen water bottles hanging off? I don't look like a well-traveled person...I could not get past it.
I will not bother you with the rest of the details. The very last straw came right after we finished eating, when he confessed that he actually was not really running behind. He saw me walking toward the restaurant and recognized me from my picture so he watched me walk the rest of the way to the restaurant and then called me! So I am on a date with a stalking-voting defector-light weight! I could take no more and I got out of there. Luckily, my good friend Ashley was waiting with open arms and a cold beer. Ahhhhh I am back to my old self!
Okay so maybe date #1 was not the best, but I was not going to let it spoil the process for me. I was going to continue to be dedicated to internet dating! So let's just forget about date #1, because there are so many more dates to come. Until next time, peeps!
* The art of recreating incidental sound effects in synchronization with the visual component of a movie