Online Dater Extraordinaire
So the thing about internet dating is that, just like the real world, the scene can be a little picked over for those who have been there awhile. SO when a new filly enters the paddock there is an onslaught of attention--just the way I like it. With my profile complete I was able to sit back and wait for the computer to do it work. I could almost smell it crunching the stats to match me with my soul mate. And boy it did not take long--first there was one person, then five, then eleven, and it kept going…
Now it was time to go forth and date…or so I thought. For those of you who have never internet-dated let me tell you how the system works. There are several “stages” to internet dating and it turns out I was at stage one: a freshman, a novice, the new girl on the block. In stage one the computer uses the bullshit information that it acquired from the previous interrogation session to match you up with others who gave similar answers, which is about as scientific as an eight grade class project. They do this under the guise of searching through their extensive database to come up with the people who have met your “criteria.” Let me take a moment here to talk about the use of the word criteria. First off, this is internet dating, people--beggars can not be choosers. So the fact that there are any criteria is amazing to me. Aside from a heartbeat and no homicidal tendencies, the criteria should be pretty basic. So really what they mean by criteria is someone who lives in/near your billing zip code. Anyway, moving on.
So here I am at stage one: “Start Communicating”
Reviewing ALL of the “matches” the computer sends you, lets say you see one you think might work. Then it is time to start communicating! And what is the first thing you do when you want to “start communicating” with someone? You answer a bunch more questions--what else?! Just in the case the previous billion questions did not seal the deal, there are 5 more PRE-SELECTED questions for you to answer. BUT this time you get to pick the questions you would like to ask your potential beau from a whole list. Oh, the autonomy. So now the pressure was to come up with the five that would really hit the nail on the head. The following is a sampling of the questions I chose to pose to the lucky few. At first glance it is true that they suck, BUT they really are the best of the worst:
If you decided to stay at home for the evening what would you do?
When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
On Saturday night, where would you rather go?
But boys and girls, don’t think too much about these introspective jewels, because they are… multiple choice! And now a sampling of the answers that my studs can choose:
If you decided to stay at home for the evening what would you do?
A. Watch TV (maybe while downing an entire bottle of wine and over-eating mini hors d’oeuvres… Hellooo lover)
B. Read
C. Talk on the phone (I am going to assume this is for the ladies)
D. Clean
When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
A. I don’t have a lot of need for personal space. I like lots of time together. (read: I am freakishly clingy and a total whack job--your friends will HATE ME)
B. I find that my time at work is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner. (what the hell does this person do for a living? If most guys did at work what they do in their personal time they would be fired)
C. As long as I get one night a week to myself my personal time needs are met. (if it takes only one night a week to meet my needs I might as well adopt a bunch of stray cats and call it a life)
D. When I am with my partner I am completely there; but I do need considerable time for personal reflection (when did personal time turn into personal reflection, I like how this answer has a reassuring aspect)
On Saturday night, where would you rather go?
A. Bowling
B. Ballet/Theater/Symphony
C. A professional sporting event (there you go, doggie…there’s your bone)
D. A popular movie
E. The new hot dance club (Ummmmm- what?)
How can Bungalow Billiards NOT be an option here? Or any bar for that matter…