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The Adventures of K:      Online Dater Extraordinaire

Installment #1:  Signing Up and Signing On

This week on A&A, Ash notes that she is funny and that all of her friends are funny...well, that is true.  Not only am I one of Ash's funniest friends, but I am also one of her few SINGLE friends.  Now there is something to being the single friend in the group... a certain je ne sais quoi.  But there are also times when it is just a freaking pain.  Everyone is always on the look out for someone to force conversation on you...like a dating charity case.  Every night on the town is actually a mine field of embarrassing situations that start with "This is my friend K- she is single!" and ends eight dirty martinis later, with K...still single.  Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my friends for wanting me to be happy--or at least to get lucky.  I applaud their dedication to my cause!  But in the end, when I am out with my friends I would really rather spend time with my friends--instead of having people watch me talk to some random guy like they are waiting for sea monkeys to grow...  Therefore, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands and take up the mission of trying to find someone who was remotely close to being as cool and interesting as I am.  SO I swallowed my pride and signed up for internet dating.  Now before you laugh, think about all of those lovely commercials with somewhat attractive people who found someone to marry them--I could be one of those people...or not.  But it was a venture I thought would be worth a try.  So I took a deep breath and signed on... Step One: Your Profile The first thing I had to do was answer questions about myself...questions that are supposed to delve into my inner workings and show others who I really am.  Instead of delving into my innards these questions just served to chap my ass.  Here is a BRIEF sampling of the general questions: 1. What are you most passionate about? Ummmmm- pick me and I will show you (wink wink) 2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful? Chr*st- I mean come on... 3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why? How does this have anything to do with free dinner and maybe some canoodling?  Or even finding someone to marry you? I should have answered my friend Ashley because she is willing to put up with me doing this sh*t, but I said my sister instead. But wait--it gets better, because then there are another crop of questions...and these are multiple choice!  I love it--you can delve into my soul with canned questions and options up to four.  How could people doubt this would work? 1. The four things your friends say about you are? Okay, none of the things my friends would say about me where listed here so I had to choose what I would like to think they would say, like I am creative, kind, funny, and sophisticated...because people with all of these traits are reduced to internet dating. (HAHAHA) 2. What are three of your BEST life-skills? Okay, no joke one option is: "Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment".   Home making is now a SKILL... I chose this one because I could not resist and because I would not mind being a trophy wife that spends a fortune keeping my "home environment" beautiful.  But show me one man that actually cares about this one and I will show you a gay man. 3. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD? My entourage is wicked hot...but again that was not one of the choices so I said my laugh...augh. Now here are some of the question I would have liked answered: Do you leave the seat up? What is your credit score? Why did your last girlfriend get rid of you? Do you have hot friends (just in case we don't work out)? Do you make good money? Do you have hellacious gas? Note for the record that some of these are even yes/no questions...my charity knows no bounds!  But alas, there was no space for additional comments or questions so I was stuck.  Next the goal is to find a picture where I look good and am not blasted drunk...yet another mission.  But there is an upswing because I can crop these pictures to cut out my arm fat (silver lining).  So I scale through photos of me at JL Shows and weddings and I find a few--just a few--that would actually lead someone to e-mail me back.

THIS        or        THIS

I went with the first one.  They can find out about my need for AA on the first date--it will be obvious.  So I post these and I am really ready to roll.  Let the onslaught of hot men commence...ready- set- e-mail... First one name pops up--and then another... and another!  It is starting to get a little crazy here and I am secretly looking forward to being an internet dating whore. Until next time...